August 7th, 2010 
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We were unusually close. We got together when I was 15, he was 19. Besides our incredible love for each other, we were truly each others best friend. We always just wanted to be with each other. We were insepperable. There were many very special circumstances to our relationship. I can’t explain those circumstances here, but we were each others "rock of gibralter". Believe me, it was heavy. Now I’m here alone. I have no family, we couldn’t have kids and I don’t have any friends. I am disabled, but I have no medical insurance so I can’t afford therapy. I also suffer from PTSD and DID from a horrible childhood full of both physical and emotional abuse. I’m starting to look forward to death because I truly believe that we will be together again then. Plus the pain is so unbearable. I wish I could take a pill that would make me feel better for even a little while. I promised him that I would never drink alcohol again (alcohol and I don’t get along) So I haven’t – yet. I went to a regular physician and told him of my problem and asked if he would prescribe something for a short period so I could just take a break from this unbearable pain even a little. He said no. I’m afraid of what will become of me if I keep getting worse like this. I don’t answer the phone or door anymore. I’ve begun getting calls from "bill collectors" (that is a first) I listen to the messages and erase them and don’t bother writing down the phone numbers, I simply don’t care about anything at all. Life has been very bad for me literally since I was conceived. But this is by far the worst of all. Because we were so young when we got together, I feel like I’m at 15 again. I am very naive, and gullible. People have taken advantage of me. I have been stolen from. A contractor stole ,500.00 from me. My puny, embarrassing savings, every cent. And all but .00 out of my checking. So, i may be homeless soon. As it is I can’t pay rent and eat too. I have no idea who I am, I don’t feel like I belong here anymore. i just don’t fit in. No one wants to hear this depressing stuff, i understand that totally, so I try to hold it in and smile and make "happy". Inside, I am crying so hard that it sound like screaming. Can anyone out there relate to this?
My question again was about fit over 40 and there have been some great answers
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Oh, I DO understand. I was widowed.
Your story is sad, but you do not depress me. You just make me want to help.
I did not have a horrible childhood, but like most ladies of my era, I experienced significant dysfunction in my family of origin. I fought depression all my adult life and probably was a depressed child, though no one knew of such a thing way back then
There is help that is without cost. Find a bereavement support group. Call the nearest hospital’s social service dept. and also the local hospice. Also, some churches have these groups.
Go to the library and get the books on death and dying by Kubler-Ross. Also try to find a book (out of print now) called "Widow" by Lynn Caine. There is a nationwide organization, Widowed Person’s Service. Look on the internet to see if there is a chapter near you.
Regarding money, go to your bank and speak with an officer. You will either get sound help/advice or be directed to someone who can help you.
I know that feeling: first you think you, too will die. Then you wish you could. Been there.
I had to force myself to even get out of the house. I lay under my "dirty blue blanket" most of the time. It seemed like forever before I could understand and even tolerate the idea that I was still alive.
You are alive, just not as much as you were and will be again.
And believe it or not, you will someday enjoy life again.
Feel free to email me.
Your story makes my heart ache for you! I am not going to say I understand what you are going through, because the truth is I have no idea. I think you need to make some calls.. see if you can get some kind of financial help. Next.. it is important you know that it is okay to grieve.. it is only natural.. but what do you think your husband thinks right now. He wants you to be happy.. and as hard as that is.. you need to try. If the situation was flipped.. how would you want him to respond. Do all of the things you would want him to do.
I can totally relate to faking a smile when you’re falling apart. You clearly need some help right now. Though you’re not alone in your feelings, I know it feels like you are. It’s very hard to see any purpose through the fog.
Even if you have no insurance or money, go to the hospital. They have to help you. Right now it sounds like you’re falling into an abyss and your husband would not want that, right? Think of what you would want for him if the situation were reversed. You would want him to be okay. You need to MAKE yourself go get help.
I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose your husband after 40 years. My heart goes out to you. I don’t know how long it’s been since he’s passed away, but it is important to give yourself time to grieve, especially since he played such a huge role in your life. Have you tried searching online for any local free counselling? It definitely sounds like you could benefit from that kind of support. Many cities have websites that list all kinds of local social services, some of which have reduced/no fees. There you might also find some resources in terms of food banks and income assistance.
First off I am sorry about the loss of your husband but you will see him again. You are depressed. You have suffered a great loss and it has killed a part of you. You are emptied right now but do NOT give up. You are not going to be homeless,
You can take antidepressants and they can numb the pain that you feel. It will be an un-natural bandaid. It will give you no highs or lows..
avoid this if you can
The true healing will come when you refill. I would get the "WHY YOU DON’T WANT TO LIVE" report by Collin Camino..it teaches you how to take the power back in your life and Stop Depression and sucidal thoughts. You can read it right online
You heal alone with no doctors or medications.
Also hold on ..do not give you ..Also pray that God will help you!..you are still alive!..and God still has a plan for you..do not give up!
Your marriage was great and I admire that..it is amazing.. but remember God still had a seperate plan for each of you.
You can still help people in life..you can volunteer..and help others..
Do not stop living yet..your time will come to go home but you must live..pray for strengh..
Also read this called how to cure depression naturally http://www.scribd.com/doc/11574677/How-to-Cure-Depression-Naturally
Take care and do not give up
I am so sorry for your loss.
Can you reach out to a church? There is usually a way to get help if you actively seek it out. As for groceries, there is a program called Angel Food Ministries. See which churches in your area participate. It is not a charity – it is more like a food co-op. It is not income based, so you do not need to meet criteria to qualify. Please know you are in many peoples prayers THIS VERY MOMENT!